When we got back, she said she was thinking about filing for divorce, and after a few weeks, she decided she was going to do it. I told her I was fine with that. She pleaded with me constantly to not let things get ugly. I told her I wouldn’t as long as she didn’t try to keep the kids from me. She then started pleading with me to let her and the kids move to Michigan. As I had become more versed in my custodial rights, I told her I would fight that.
I got divorce papers just before our 20th anniversary on August 8; I’m glad I hadn’t gotten her anything. My first experience with the Centre County legal system was not good when I read about the required Education Program for Separated Parents class that I needed to attend. You can read more about that in the sidebar.
It was clear that I needed to move out, but it was a horrible time of the year to find an apartment in a small college town. I finally found something with a lease starting on January 1, 2013, about four months after she’d filed for divorce. So I stayed at the house, and we slept in different rooms, which we’d been doing for years anyway because of Amanda’s health. We lived peacefully for the most part during this time.
I was constantly confused about whether she wanted to try to reconcile. For example, she got upset when she discovered I’d made accounts on a couple of dating websites, saying that doing so proved I was never interested in making the marriage work. She told me she was lonely and I didn’t pay enough attention to her. Not really wanting the divorce at the time–although in hindsight, not having to deal with her daily is good for my mental health–I tried to be more affectionate to her, and we semi-reconciled; at least that’s the impression I had. Since I’d found a place and signed a lease at that point, I figure the “space” might do us good.
Later on, I was accused of making unwanted sexual advances towards her during this time and going into “fits of rage” when I was rebuffed. In fact, during this time, we had more sexual contact–as always, completely consensual–than at any time in the previous five years. There was something about it being “bad” that led to it; we actually discussed this. I recall five encounters with her initiating three of them; she was reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books. In fact, Rita said one time, “If we have sex like this more often, I might have to rethink the divorce.”
We talked a lot during this time. She kept telling me she wanted to move to Michigan to be closer to her family; I was not aware of her extra-marital affair at this time. She tried to convince me to quit my job at Penn State and find a job in Michigan. She told me her decision to get a divorce would either be the best or worst one she’d ever made. I have no idea how she feels about that decision now.
The program is (was?) run by a retired Penn State associate professor named Jennifer Mastrofski, who developed it with a local judge while working at Penn State. The class was initially offered through Penn State but is now offered solely by a consulting company owned by Mastrofski. The program’s cost was $55, although the letter from the court said it was $50. Apparently, Mastrofski increased the price without notifying the court. The letter from the court said that anyone filing divorce or custody documents that have children under the age of 18 must register and attend the class within 60 days of filing. Thus, since I had not filed anything, I thought maybe I could get out of it. That was the first of many times the courts decided what they’d written was not really what they meant. After I complained a little bit, the person I spoke to at the courthouse acknowledges the whole thing seemed a little shady and told me that I actually had another option. This option was to take the class online at http://online.divorce-education.com. This cost $40 and was much more convenient than driving 20 miles to spend four hours in a little conference room in the middle of a weekday. I asked why they didn’t mention this in the letter, and she said, “They didn’t want us to.” Hmm? So, in summary, Jennifer Mastrofski has convinced the courts in central Pennsylvania that nearly every person involved in a divorce must pay her $55 to, according to Rita, watch videotapes she’s made of children talking about their separated parents. It would be interesting to explore the financials of Mastrofski’s consulting business to see how much she makes off this.
My take on this: it’s a scam that governments and private industry around central Pennsylvania have implemented for the sake of protecting children. What if I wanted to start a competing consulting firm? Would that be allowed? Would they include it in the letter from the court? In general, I can certainly see that it would be a good idea for most parents, and it would be hard to determine which parents could safely opt out. However, advertising only one option to complete this requirement that puts money into the pocket of someone who worked to make it a court-ordered requirement is really shady. The other thing that I cannot fathom is that the courts require this but not any counseling to try to save the marriage. Isn’t that what would be best for the kids, trying to save the marriage. It seems that the marriage counselors are not as savvy as Jennifer Mastrofski (who is also affiliated with the PSU business school) to realize the way to guarantee your business thrives is to force people to use it through corrupt courts and politics.
During 2012 she also took quite a few “me weekends,” leaving the kids with me. I was thrilled she was taking some time for herself, but this was always extremely stressful on Amanda, who had essentially become co-dependent with Rita–Rita had convinced her that I couldn’t care for her adequately. I recall running down the street chasing Amanda as Amanda chased her mother as she drove away. Later she claimed in court that she couldn’t leave the kids with me because Amanda required her care. Later I realized that these trips were mostly to see her boyfriend.