What I truly believe lead to this mess is Rita’s (and her mother’s and sister’s) disposition to being paranoid about things. I am not saying that they are delusional, but I think they tend to believe that other people are out to get them. The funny thing is, I have also recently been accused of being paranoid because of the events that occurred over the last eight years. And, in fact, my paranoia grew considerably for a period of time but has since subsided. This was because I had no idea what Rita might accuse me of next. I spent many years dreading when the phone would ring because I thought it might be the police. This was especially true if caller-ID was showing a blocked number. There were many occasions, not all of which I lead to arrests, that I picked up the phone and a police officer said, “Do you know why we’re calling?” Almost every time, I had no idea why they were calling, but I would soon learn that I had been accused of something.
Ultimately, I believe Rita truly came to think I was out to get her and was afraid of me. I was not out to get her and did not want her to be afraid of me. Her fear certainly must have affected the kids, and I don’t want any kid living with a mother who is afraid of their father. While my attorneys kept telling me this, it took me a long time to accept. What my attorneys didn’t see was how Rita acted when she was around me. She certainly did not appear to be afraid of me, and in fact, we regularly talked during custody exchanges. I can only recall one exchange in which there was a disagreement. This was when Rita kept insisting that I hated her in front of the kids. I kept telling her that wasn’t true, and it was not. I finally said, “I don’t hate you, but you had an affair, and I don’t particularly like that you did that.” The kids were in the car by this time, and they didn’t hear me. Rita responded, “Don’t let the kids hear that, or they’ll hate me.”
The fundamental problem was that all of these accusations had to be conveyed through attorneys and/or the police. A protective order did not allow me to talk to her, and whenever we did talk, the kids were around. Thus, instead of asking me if I was driving by her house because she thought she heard my car, she told the police, who often didn’t even make me aware of the allegation. Had she asked me, I would have told her that I had never driven by her house and possibly provided some evidence that I had not. I’m not sure if she would have believed me, but at least I could have defended myself and hopefully put her mind at ease. Thus, I think the paranoia grew unchecked, with her mom, sister, attorney, and police feeding it.
I realize now that not communicating is a huge problem with protective orders, especially when children are involved. I can certainly understand why this is part of most protective orders, as no one wants someone making threats. However, the courts have obviously realized that not communicating is a serious problem when the order involves parents with children. This is why they regularly include clauses in orders that say the parents can communicate via text message if it concerns the children. Why this was not in my original protective order is something that has never been explained to me. However, knowing that Pam Ruest just signed the order without reading it, I suspect that it was provided by the attorney representing Rita and was thus made as restrictive as possible. Had a clause like that been in the original order, I believe things would have turned out much differently, and I would not be writing this book.
My suggestion for how a court could allow the parties involved to communicate without the fear of one party threatening the other is to have the communication go through a designated third party or possibly multiple parties. This could be someone or people agreed upon by the parties or someone assigned by the court, such as a mediator. Additionally, I think the court should require counseling with both parties present. I wound up going through two domestic violence prevention programs and what became clear is that where there actually was abuse, it usually went both ways. Almost always, drugs or alcohol were involved. Thus, having both parties there would allow them each to tell their story. In fact, a female group leader with the second program would frequently say, “You know. Women are psycho.” When I told her I didn’t think that was appropriate because the women involved were likely people we either loved or still love, she got angry. A new person eventually replaced her.
While I understand the courts would like to avoid further conflict between the parties and having joint programs could become volatile, I think it would be doable. Most of the men I encountered during these programs did not seem violent and, for the most part, seemed sober. In fact, I think that if something did get out of hand in a joint program, the other people there would quickly put a stop to it. In fact, on one occasion, I got into a pretty heated argument with another member when, after the group was making fun of the crazy cults on reality TV, I said, “Why do you assume all cults are bad and people joining them are crazy? By definition, all religions are cults.” Before I could explain that I don’t think religions are necessarily bad, another group member nearly jumps out of his chair at me. This was probably the only time I felt somewhat threatened, even counting when I was in prison. The other group members and the leaders got him settled down.
You would obviously have to have staggered arrivals and departures so that the parties did not encounter one another before or after the meeting. However, this is done during supervised visits when there is a protective order in place between the parents. That seems to work well. Plus, domestic violence incidents rarely occur in public, and if they do, it is unlikely that anyone could have prevented it. I suppose you might also try to make sure there are no weapons by having the meetings at a secure location like a courthouse or state-owned building. This, of course, wouldn’t prevent someone from having a weapon in their vehicle. However, my thinking is that if someone wants to hurt someone badly enough, they will find a way to do it.