I have drafted many letters to the kids trying to figure out how to explain my side of the story without being too critical of their mother. I never sent any of these letters as I thought they would likely do more harm than good. A large part of writing this book is so they can understand what happened and know that I was never “out to get” their mother, nor had I ever abused her, harassed her, or stalked her. It was tough for me not to come out and tell them everything that happened. I so desperately wanted to defend myself. But I thought it would simply backfire, and they would think even worse of me. In hindsight, I think it was the right thing to do. While they were obviously being told, implicitly or explicitly, what their mother thought I was doing, I could never bring myself to tell them I was not. Plus, I was not even aware of what I was being accused of much of the time.
For example, on July 10, 2014, I wrote the following draft letter in Apple’s Notes app. I would have never actually sent it because it is quite blunt and very critical of Rita and her family. It was basically what I was feeling at the time, and I never went back to try to make it less critical. I include it here because it is one of the few of these draft letters I still have.
Caleb, Amanda and Amelia,
I’m really not sure how to talk to you guys about this but I think you need to know what happened between your mother and I. First, I want you to know that I did not want any of this to happen and it all took me by surprise. If it were my decision I would like for us to still be a family.
Unfortunately your mom decided she was lonely in our marriage and used this as an excuse to have an affair with Mike. I never expected that your mom would cheat on me (and our family). Not only that but she lied to me and each of you many many times to initially hide this affair. Worse, she asked you to lie for her.
You probably are also not aware of all the terrible things your mother put me through in her efforts to take you away from me to Michigan. She lied to the courts saying I abused her and you. Because of this the police forced me to move out of our house and would not allow me to contact you. I wanted to tell you that I had not abandoned you so I sent Amanda a text message which she likely never got. The message said, “I love you.” Your mother reported this to the police and, because she had lied that I abused you, I spent three days in jail and was put on probation for six months. Devastated I admitted myself to the hospital because I was so depressed.
When I got out I discovered that your mom had shut off my cell phone. I got a new one but had to get another phone number. Realizing that your mother did not know this new number and could thus not contact me in an emergency, I decided to send her a blank text message hoping she would get my phone number from it. She got the message and called the police claiming this was abusive. I was then sentenced to 30 days in jail. Fortunately they let me out after being there for only 21 days.
In trying to convince the judge to let her move you to Michigan, your mother and her family (specifically your aunt Debbie, your grandma Hanson, and your cousin James) said terrible things about me claiming I was a bad father. I try not to be mad at them about all of this but having someone I loved for 25 years do such cruel things to me makes it very difficult to forgive her and her family.
I know she says Mike is a good person but anyone that has an affair with a married woman is fundamentally bad. I know very little about him other than that he likes to send pornographic pictures and videos of himself to your mom via email. I wish I would have never discovered these emails as they are truly disgusting and make me sick.
I truly wish we could be a family again but your mother has become someone I can no longer care about. She has lied to me and to you far too many times to be forgiven. She has done everything in her power to try to destroy me. It is hard for me to believe I actually married someone capable of this. Unfortunately she will always be your mother.
Nearly a year later, on June 11, 2015, I wrote.
Caleb, Amanda and Mae,
I am so sorry for all of this. I never wanted things to come to this but your mom and her family are doing everything they can to destroy my life. I just can’t take it anymore. She’s accused me of abusing her and you guys. And you know that it’s just not true. Unfortunately I am tired of trying to defend myself. Your mother, her family, the police and the courts have harassed me for nearly three years now. I just can’t handle this continued abuse any longer. If I never see you again, please know that I love you a ton and I am sorry for whatever you think I have done. Just understand that what you hear from your mother is not entirely true. I am sorry I won’t be around to ever explain my side of the story. Just know that I have always wanted the best for all of you. Unfortunately, with me gone you will likely to taken to that miserable place in Michigan. I know you don’t think it’s miserable but just remember, I have lived there and you have only been there on vacation. State College is such a better place. But please try to make the best of it.
I love you so much and I will miss you,
Dad
While this might sound like a suicide note, it was really me giving some serious thought to simply leaving for… somewhere. I had thought a lot about going to Australia–Perth seems really nice–and trying to make a new life. In fact, I still think about this. I realized that if I did this, I would essentially be abandoning my kids. Reading this now makes me incredibly sad as I remember the desperate and hopeless feelings I was having.